Changes abound, changes aplenty

Ever since I was a little child
I've always hated change
You see, when it came to me at the time
I wanted things to stay
Just the same way
Forever and ever
I didn't know or understand the world
Nor how it works
I couldn't figure that time, just as everything
Will always move on
Not one thing will remain the same
With time as the factor to differentiate
Yet somehow I'm very much so different and yet
The same person that's still a child within
Changes abound, changes aplenty
Still dreaming every night about reaching infinity
Flying among the stars and floating away
To a place where no one knows me
See I've always hated change
But I loved freely roaming
Going from place to place, wandering
Wondering whether or not my past mistakes
Mean that I've always been blundering
Randomly stumbling upon anything that I called dear
Things that are predisposed for me to enjoy or like
People that I've introduced to my personal life
People for whom I feel responsible too
But things keep changing despite my best effort to ensure
That they remain the same
See I know that no change is stagnation
And change is growth
I acknowledge that I have a rather toxic relation
With my own thoughts
But I know not what to feel half the time when things
Do not stay yet do not go
They're still there, just a different place
Placement matters not when they're still accessible, see
But when do I move on
When do they stop mattering to me
The issue is
Far from eyes, far from heart
I wish that distance didn't tear me and mine apart
I'm consistently seeking a thought or a message
Yet I forget that people even existed
Attachment issues beget avoidant attachment disorders
For me to get close to you, you'd have to cross borders
Borders I've set up myself and cannot take down
I recall not why they're there now
I do not want to hear how
You had to cross many borders before
And many to come still
I was responsible for them then
I'm not the same person that I was when
I placed my walls up in a way to block out
Everyone for whom I cared
You see, back then, I was honestly
Considering ending myself
Thought it'd make it easy for people to let go of me that way
I was born in a country
That country we soon left
I moved houses aplenty for four years
Settled down in some normalcy at the age of nine
Switched schools back to back twice
Lost a father before transitioning from country to country
Lost a mother after the second school switch
Stuck to my guns where I was and kinda just lived
Unsure of the life I had, just drifted a bit
Siblings had to leave, eldest took me in
Siblings later came back, but I stayed where I was
Then I moved back with siblings, left the eldest, I know
She needed me there, needs me still
Her kids are a piece of my soul
I'll never know how I really feel
Some days I'm jaded and emotionless
Others I'm contemplating every nominal truth
Some days I'm oh, so full of life
Others I lament my wasted youth
I know not what to feel, when or how things'll change
I lost a mother when I was thirteen, hell of an age
Work to get grades, slack and fail tests
Succeed barely and beat the odds
Retake what I could to remain strong
Move to the uni stage now, all my friends fly off
Make new friends, leave them behind
Had to switch majors or I'd have left me behind
Depressed and overly stressed, confused with no recourse
Went to study something I somewhat loved
Went to walk a path on which I've always wanted to walk
No longer wandering or wondering
Somewhat feel my worth
Among peers now, living in no fear now
In charge of my own destiny for three years now
Then came the step again
Brother needed to leave so we needed to leave too
A change that begat change
From one old house to the new
Adapting to difference between the two ain't easy
Nor will it ever be
We left the house within which I spent
A little under twelve years
All my childhood memories trace back to then
If I could even recall
My memory's fuzzy from all the damage
That my teenage depression and angst caused
Nevermind the cost that one had to pay
For an exodus from one's own home
Nevermind the knowledge on which
I had to go on
Living between new walls
Contemplating all my thoughts
Knowing not how to feel
Changes abound, changes aplenty
A soul jar within my chest that, for now, remains empty
New home, new rules
Shared halls, shared room
Less space, more commune
Positives and negatives to consider
I've gotten closer to my brother for that year, more than ever
Fated day comes across, he's gotta leave
Change approaches yet again, but this time's deep
A presence I've always felt somehow gone
A new stage of my life is on the horizon
Coming towards me with the dawn
I'll miss the presence that was once here even if I'll forget
Far from eyes far from heart
I enjoy the quiet and peace
But I miss the chaos that said presence once brought
I'll be sure to visit, and leave my mark
Step up to the position, fill the shoes that I was given
Implicitly provided a new mission
Many years spent from change to change, trying to survive
New mission, soldier
Time to learn to thrive