Lies and Truths

Many of the many stories I've once told
Are filled with some degrees of lies
Not much substance to me, I'm afraid
So I have to fill in the blanks
I'm afraid that once I'm weak and old
Once I've grown, running out of time
Unable to take much stance, with regret
I constantly wonder who I am under the mask
Truthfully, I've gotten so good at this
Not even I can tell you the lies from the truth
Especially with stories about my younger days
The details are so muffled, but there are clues
I'm unable to uncover who it is that I am within
Sometimes I fear like all there is to me
Is my lack of truth with myself
I know no news is good news
But that's just not the case when
You're on a journey to discover what's left
After the many years or survivor's guilt and regret
After the suicidal thoughts and self-hate
The loathing of all that I am within
That's the part they don't tell you about healing
You spend so many years letting your fears define your nature
You fail to cultivate a personality outside of that
To this day, day and night
I cry thinking about the ones I've lost
I cry thinking about the world that I inhabit
I'm no more than a lost little soul
One with a series of terrible, really bad habits
The lies and truth within clash often
Define me I must not let them
I'm more than I could ever imagine
Or so I tell myself
I'm a storyteller, a writer of sorts
I write poetry to conquer the war within
I'm rebel against my own nature with no real cause
Surrounded by many, but lonely despite my friends
Isolated by choice, a decision I've made
To shelter myself away from the pain and regret
Loss has taken a great toll on me
My birthday I don't celebrate
Often I mourn the fact that it's me who still breathes
It's at its worst when I'm just lying there
Lying to myself about who I am
Trying to reach out and grasp at straws
I once almost admitted myself into a psych ward
I thought by doing so I'd make my people safe
For I was a flight risk to be left alone
But left alone is all I wanted to be
I wanted to fly away from this world and set my soul free
I thought I was a coward refusing to take the plunge
Little did I know I was the bravest of them all
A saying I like to repeat to myself on nights like this one
My life isn't mine, and my death won't affect me
All the years I've spent crying over the ones whom I lost
That'll be my friends, siblings and family
I imagine the anger within my nephew
I imagine how my brother would break
I imagine my sister's back breaking under the weight
You see my family think of me in a way
Like I'm the hopeful one who can fulfill his dreams
I've always rebelled against the machine
Made what I desired be true
At least to some extent
Never was I put down as I grew
Never did I give up till the end
That left them with a perception of me that's false
The weight of expectation on my shoulder feels wrong
But ironically, it's one of the few reasons I'm still here
Writing this for people to read
Had I not been governed by the fear
That I'd fail to live up to the potential they saw on me?
I might've been in a grave now
My soul gone away
I used to think it's me versus me
Now I know that's true
But it's not a struggle between the multiple sides of myself
It's a battle we collectively go through
Me and me are together in this
We fight because we both believe our solutions are the right ones
We debate and argue endlessly
Whether for serious reasons, or some light fun
There's no world in which I could make it
Without knowing what a freak I truly am
I still know not what makes me, me
I don't care to learn
I've learned to treasure the journey
Not the end
So when you need me to be there for you
Worry not
For the things that plague my mind never could stop me before
I see no reason they'd start now
I'll be there on the back of my ferry
You'll never see my internal war