Stare

 I stare at this piece of paper
Or rather this screen
I struggle to find the will to write
Or even to breathe
I mean, I've been struggling for oh so many years
Swinging from place to place, everything just seemed
Unreal, unknown, unjust, untrue
The fact is, all I've ever hard was you
And you left me too, just like all of them did
You left me be like I've always wished
And I don't blame you, you're not at fault
I just happen to be lost in my thoughts
I could be just having a little episode
I could always just be a little emotional
Tied down in this motionless expanse
The space left within from all the time that has passed
And it's strange. They say time heals all wounds
So tell me why hasn't it healed mine?
It just closed them briefly, not even a scar to be seen
I stare at the skies at night, hoping the stars could see me
And I'd be lying to you, and I'd rather be honest
But to be frank, if you asked me what was wrong
I couldn't define it
Maybe I wouldn't and it's a choice that I choose to take
Maybe I'm lost between all of those stakes
That I've raised oh so high when I decided to play
A game that was never mine, so tell me, my friend
Have I ever betrayed you, or let you get lost
I mean like, I know I'm distant and all
But that doesn't really excuse the problem here, does it?
I could name you over 200 friends of mine right now
But I lie forgotten
If I were to disappear most of them wouldn't even know
The fact that I exist doesn't seem to matter at all
And that's fine, you know what? That's fine
The only part about it that hurts is, well
The part where I know it's my fault
Existing on the fringes of the universe
Is the same as not existing at all
So I stare deeply within this screen in front of me
And I wonder what to write
And suddenly I realize I wrote a whole poem
Sometimes I wish I was more well-known
Or that more people read these little ballads that I put to paper
But the fleeting yearning for fame is always defeated
By the need for obscurity and peace
Then again I never had the opportunity
So how could I concisely decide what I truly need
Could all of it just be another one of my elaborate lies
Which I tell myself every night to calm my brain down into sleep
Could I be just luring myself into a false sense of security
Would it be possible at all that I am nothing more
Than all those humans which I criticize?
Is it at all probable that I know nothing
About my own life?
Probably, but then again
I'm still here, aren't I?
And this piece of paper on this blooming screen has been filled
So it's not yet my turn to die
Maybe I'm just lonely or in need of a friend
But I have plenty
The question I keep asking myself, however
Is this
I have them as friends, that's true
But do they have me?