Fear

 Breathing deep
I do not know how to feel
My heartbeat
Is racing at a speed tenfold
The memories
Came back in a sudden surge
The PTSD
Has me gripped from my soul
The fear in me
Forcing me to answer the call
The fear in me
To close my eyes and see the imagery
The death that filled my life with misery
The people I've seen suffering
And the ones who had already passed away thankfully
Their images haunt my head
I tried but I cannot forget
The pain that grasps my ends
Has me sitting always on edge
Anxiety and little lies
They surface again
They tell me things will never be alright
And that I have no friends
Not really, anyways
And no one can care
And how could they
If I never told them what plagues my head
A therapist that never saw what I did
Can never get through to me in the end
My mother literally on a death bed
God I wish that it was me instead
At least then I'd have been spared
All the fear and suffering that I
Keep lying about, I always deny
The fact that I have a trauma so deep inside
My mind rooted and refusing to die
I try to get over it sometimes
Yet some nights I lay in bed and quietly cry
I really wanna scream so loud but
No one would understand just why
And in the end of it all it doesn't matter much
It never did, and I never mattered much
To myself that is, not to the ones who care
They do care, and that's what makes me most afraid
That one day they'll up and leave
Like everyone once did before
Taking for granted would be a reality
In the world that I wish for
So I keep loose ties with everyone
In fear that one day I may mourn
And in the end I revert back to memories
That attack me when I am found alone
A bloody arm of a bloody kid
That stabbed himself with a bloody knife
It brings me harm that everyday
I think about that every night
And I wonder if there was something to be done
I wonder if I failed that boy
I wonder if I could've been him
If I was a little less filled with hope
But it doesn't matter, and it never will
Because the truth is, he is dead
I don't think I could've done something about it then
Even though when I close my eyes I still see red
I have another distinct dark memory
Of a friend who nearly died in front of me
An overdose on a drug I warned him not
But he didn't listen and took the shot
We ran with him into the nearest taxi we could find
Took him to the hospital nearby
They managed to somehow save his life
And that was a lesson I'll never deny
But what if we were slow, or we were high
Like that overdosing little guy
Would we have done a thing, or just sat and cried
Would we have been able to live our lives
With ourselves knowing what we didn't do
See this is exactly how I feel too
About that boy that bled in front of me
I don't know if I could ever be free
I miss my mum, and I miss my dad
But that's just the tip of the iceberg
Some nights I feel so bad
That I stop being concerned
With my well-being and self-worth
My feelings and the south/north
Directions that I am taking
Things that I've mistaken
To be diamonds but in reality
They were a curse
I fear waking up one day and losing myself
To the fight that I'm constantly found within
I fear waking up one day and losing myself
And disappointing the people I live with
These are some things I never talk about
And for good reason
They're filled with sadness and misery
Other topics I never touch are perceived treason
And things I know once got the best of me
One day I'll rise above
And float up high
I'll swim through the lake
And surface nearby
I've made my mistakes
I've trusted too much
I've learned from them now
But I'm still stuck
I hope that I'll be better
And feel better
That I'll grow further and further
But that I'll never
Give up on the path that I am walking
And give into the fear
I have a gun barrel that is smoking
The shot's in here
Take my aim and shoot ahead
And pray to Allah
That I shoot a straight shot
And land on a lot
Find my little piece of gold
And carve it up
To resemble all I hold
Dear in this world