Dear Yusuf II

 Dear Yusuf
I wrote you a message less than a year ago
To warn you of the dangers that will come
Dear Yusuf
I wish that I could've summarized it all
But dear god that's so much
The world coming around you in a collapse
You'll witness more death than anyone should
Your inner world is left fractured but intact
Doing the exact things you never thought you would
Sitting in circles with drugs
Never taking a single puff
But you know how dangerous it is
Yet you still challenge yourself
Watching the world around you buzz off
As each person surrounding you passes out
Suddenly one of them spazzes out
Goes into a seizure or a shock
You're unsure
Can't take him to a hospital
What could you do?
You try to wake the others up but to no avail
Since then hard drugs are a massive fear of yours
The scent of them makes you scared
Terrified of what could've been
Had you not had your iron will
Walking away from the scars you've witnessed
Running away so far yet you have no fitness
You're out of shape, and out of touch
Out of time, not losing much
Spending most of your life in a numb state
Trying to push the pain away
Yet at some stage it becomes the only thing you can feel
And for it you put yourself in shitty moods
And squeal
Cry at night when you're alone
Pray to God to die soon
But you're not ready, you never were
Your suicidal tendencies are no cure
Just something you lie to yourself about
I wish I could tell you I've learned to manage that
But you don't even know how bad it gets
Sometimes, some nights
When we're all alone
The feelings start to rise up again
And we feel a specific pain in our chest
Stare into the ceiling, close your eyes
Try to sleep but to no avail
Pass out eventually but wake up again
You're unsure how long its been
Look outside and its the sun
Look at your clock, its 6 AM
Boy wouldn't it be easy to just run
But how, and where?
The sky is the limit to your creativity
But yet you can't find a solution
The world around you is full of negativity
Charging you into an explosion
You run around in circles
Trying to find a way
Out of that little maze of yours
You're tenacious, I'll give you that
But you should be swayed
Persuaded to stop
To take a minute to breathe
You're burning yourself out
Until you'll freeze
Freeze in time and in place
And fail your educational year
Somehow by some miracle you manage to escape
To a better uni, a better place
Somewhere you feel you fit
Your experience and skills are great
Perfectly knit
You walk around like you own the place
You're famous now because of your grades
But once the lecture is over
You're back to your corner
Wallowing in your misery and loneliness
Then again, that's your fault
You refuse to interact with most
If someone were to approach
Your fake smile is ready to show
You nod and answer whatever they ask
You speak to them as if in fact
You're there by choice and not because
You don't think a single soul can relate
Missing all the things that once made you afraid
Your friends and your parents
Your school and your work
Your classmates too
But nostalgia never works
A knife's in your hand
You cut a little poking hole in there
Trying to see if the pain is still
Where you left it last
And will it last
Or be like the other emotions you once incurred
Dear Yusuf, I am sorry for rambling
But you're the only one who can understand me
Dear Yusuf, you're my safe haven
From all that collapses on me
You're but a child but you'll come to grow
Way faster than you thought you could
You're but a child, but please know
Things won't always be good, not everything
I know sometimes you wanna disappear
And never exist
Wanna go back in time to a time when I wasn't sick
Back when I was a little kid
Before I received all these hits
As smart as you are, you'll make a series of bad decisions
But they'll make you into me, an upstanding man
Kind and sweet, with little that is better than
You make mistakes that build your character
And that's fine
You find and write a series of generic terms
For your rhymes
We are all the products of our decisions in the end
But there's a massive difference between an ally and a friend
So learn it before you venture forth and move ahead
Understand who you could be to yourself
I know you don't understand me now, but you will later
I know you feel completely alone, an abandoned baby
You'll spend years trying to manage your anger
As to avoid harming simple strangers
Now you know how to manage it pretty well
You've earned that skill
But sometimes some events trigger your urge to kill
The primal urge that courses through you sometimes
It's scary, and well
It's our decisions that by which we are all defined
Your father passed away when you were nothing but a kid
You didn't fully understand and you questioned it
"Mum, why do all these children talk about their dads
And where is mine?"
Your mother and your siblings can't do more than buy time
That's not a conversation for you at that age
But somehow on your own, you knew
That the man whose blood courses through your veins
You've never knew
And you never will
And you'll never get to
As you grow older people will compare you two
And tell you that he was so much like you
Or you're the one who's like him cause he came first
Honestly that's a situation that feels cursed
Being told you're very alike
To a man you have never known
A slew of hope that you make him proud
But that is something you can never know
Let's change the subject, you don't seem to like it
So let me ask you this
How do you feel about abandonment
About people up and going out of your life somehow
Oh don't you lie to me you little shit
I know you blame yourself for their deaths somehow
And you keep telling yourself you'll one day stop
But let me tell you from where I stand
You never do
You do know it's not your fault
But even then, you still do
Whenever anyone walks out
Temporarily or permanently
It is somehow your fault as well
All the pain bottled in, you cry out
But a faint whisper is all that's heard
When someone starts getting busy, you push them out
You try to be the one to beat the odds
And every single time you panic and you lash out
Thinking you'll get better once you grow old
But let me tell you now I still can't manage it
If you think its bad now, you've got a lot to witness
You'll lose friends to life and its existence
Some of them will intentionally walk away and leave you wondering
Was it truly you who pushed them
Or did they choose to do it of their own volition
Was your relationship collapsing a mutual fault
Or did you singlehandedly lead the demolition
Some little insecurities of yours, you cover up
And you try to walk them off
But they resurface at the worst moments to mess you up
Oh boy there's a lot of that in store
And it hurts so much even if you act like it doesn't
You and I both know the ugly truth behind it
You know how sudden movements make us flinch
How angry people make us nervous
How strange noises give us an itch
To run away and leave this area
That is your trauma compiling itself
And trying to reach up after you pushed it down
It'll lie to you and tell you everyone despises you
Tolerates you because your parents have passed
That everyone hates you and will never love you
In fact, all of these are lies but we still subscribe
Right now, we're on the right path
Good grades, mastering our field and in fact
Impressing every educator that came our way
We're so good, we make professors feel strange
You have your career all planned out
You know who you want to spend your future with
You know where you want to travel to
And you're ready for everything
And yet, all these achievements, everything that's great
Gives you a small glimpse of fickle happiness that floats away
But as we grow together, we learn that it's all meaningless
And that every single one of them will lead you astray
Dear Yusuf, I'm here with you
I'm here for you
And I want you to feel safe
Dear Yusuf, I know your pain
I know your suffering
And I know all we've got is ourselves
Dear Yusuf, please don't cry internally
Don't make your tears dry out
Dear Yusuf, indulge in your misery
At least then you'll have a reason to lash out
Dear Yusuf, please hold on tight
And learn to watch the world wither away
I'll be beside you, holding unto you
Hand in hand we'll never be afraid