Not myself

 I've always failed to see
The things that I do
To be done by me
The things I've been through
The things I've achieved
The struggles I had to deal with
I always feel like I'm not myself
Not that person who stared at the corpse of his mother
Not myself
Not that person who was abandoned and left so many times
Not myself
Not the person who wrote "I apologize"
I honestly went back and read that one so many times
And I realized
I can't tell what kind of mindstate I was in
I have no idea how I wrote that piece
Or any of the other ones here as well
The poetry that spews out of my mind
Feels like it came from someone who isn't me
Not myself
Not the man who wakes up every single day
And decides that he wouldn't kill himself
Not myself
I feel like an imposter within my own skin
Like I view my life from third person
Like I do not even exist
Not myself
Not the child who managed to score straight As
Only myself
When I'm the adult who has already failed
And didn't manage to pass a very easy year
A failure stepping from stone to stone
A disappointment encaptured by his fears
Frightened to move forwards
Terrified of looking back
The things that have happened to me
Don't want to remain in the past
And yet with all of this together
I fail to feel like I'm me
I'm not myself
Not the one who was always free
Not the one who saved himself from becoming an addict
Not the one who loves writing and is really good at it
Not the one who copes with all of his issues
Not the one who's always been on a mission
Not the one with goals and dreams
Not the ones who hates himself
Not the one who barely fears
Anything but himself
Not the man encapsulated in darkness
Not the man who sits in a corner alone
Not the man who pushes everyone around him
Not the man who believes he can do it all on his own
Not the man who runs and runs away
Not the man who's sprint can't be stopped
Not the man who's an unstoppable force
Not the man who's world was rocked
Not the man who's an immovable object
Not the man who's stopped objecting
Not the man who's accepted his reality
As a man who's always going to be projecting
Not the person behind the glasses
Not the man behind the screen
Not the child behind the smiles
Not that little frightened being
I'm not myself and I can't say why
I haven't really felt alive
In a really long time
It is as if inside me exists so many beings
One who's creative, one who's smart
One who's responsible for how torn apart
Our lives have gotten
And I feel like that last one
Is solely me
And every other version
Doesn't exist within anything but dreams
Yet I am a lucid dreamer
And as such I make my wishes come true there
But I'm not sure why
I'm not alongside them there
I wish I knew who I was
Or what purpose I truly serve
I wish Yusuf was as alive
As Stargazer is in this world