Heartless lullaby

 I sing to myself
That heartless lullaby
I think to myself
When I'll die
I wonder and wonder
All through the night
About the timing of my death
I spend the night crying
Trying to reminisce
An old feeling I once had
Wish I could understand
The sublime
I never really comprehended
My life
In the face of the impossible
I've struggled and won a war
Yet when fighting the mundane
I fail to see the doors
Trapped inside a windowless room
Coloured in white, covered in pillows
Being alone does spell my doom
Yet it does feel oh so mellow
In the darkest times
I never really had a light
So I fabricated my own
In the form of fake starlight
Starlight I've barely seen
Due to the light pollution in my city
And I stare in the silence
Witness the absence of my essence
I remain and I stand defiant
And sing a heartless lullaby for the reminiscence
I calm my soul temporarily
I colour my walls in black
I draw little white dots
To simulate what's, in fact
A simple alter-ego
For a man hung in the skies
Living in a state of limbo
Able to float and fly
Free to do as he pleases
The world is devoid of anything
Except a few stars floating
Which never makes him a renegade
Just a simple man with simple dreams
Wishing to achieve nothing
Wishing just to please
The ones who've invested everything
Hoping that he'd succeed
Wishing that he'd be clear
Wishing his past would wash over him
So he sings
A heartless lullaby
Pulls on his heart's strings
Wishing to die
Crying out loud
Careless for how he's viewed
Hoping that one day
He'll be able to
Spew his heart's contents
And stop singing
That heartless lullaby
Past all the presents he received
His present is unperceived
His own mental fort
Weakened by the years
The castle he lives within
Is built of stone and tears
It's built in stony tiers
Layer one is where he pretends
To like people and socialize
Layer two is where he ends
All the bullshit and lies
Layer three is where he is
Laying back on his back
Layer four is where he goes
When he has a panic attack
Layer five is a place he never
Dares touch or even step
For he knows that if he climbs it
Things will change forever
And he might incur a debt
A debt to himself
For losing or winning a bet
That he would never make it there
And if it was a battle he could perceive
Something in his mind would've already been conceived
He's defeated
Before he even marches on
He's darkened
By the marches on his heart
So he sings his heartless lullaby
As the days wash him by
He watches as every person climbs their fort
And makes it up there
He helps them even
He knows the way
But he's not ready to take a step
For that wouldn't be fair