Dear father

My dear father
I would be lying if I said that
I don't cry sometimes
I wish I wasn't as bad
As I am this time
I love you and I cherish you
Even though I never knew you
You were at times the light
That I needed to get through
All the tunnels that I've walked
All the roads that I've known
You've been a living guide to me
More that you could know
You passed before I was even conscious
And in my conscience I somehow always knew
That you're as much a part of me
As I was of you
People who knew you well tell me we're so alike
That I'm walking proof that you're still alive
You are truly missed even when I never could
Tell what you were really like
Though I get told to look in a mirror
And that thought leaves me terrified
Because dad if you were like me
That means you were broken, too
And broken you weren't from what I know
About you
So that wouldn't make sense at least to me
Cause dad all I know about you is that you were free
Free willed and free spirited
Always going towards your own choices
And not the ones you've inherited
And I may be like you in that regard
But I've failed to be my own man
I've grown to be an adult, in age
But an adult is the furthest from what I am
I love you and I miss you
And I hope you knew
You left behind a treasure for me
I was the last thing you've left behind
But you've also left me a family
A brother I could rely on in times of need
A man who truly lives up to you
Two sisters that kept me alive indeed
When all I wanted was to see you
My mother was a core part of me
She was all I had for years and years
But when she passed I learned that
I'm stronger than what everyone perceived
My strength comes from somewhere, that's for sure
My heritage lives strong in me
But for the sickness within, I have no cure
Thank God I can still walk free
Cause I am strong, just like you
But I'm so in the wrong, unlike you
I seem to always lie, you've always spoken truth
The things that you despised, are things that I do
And without I can't do
Sometimes knowing you're not alive makes me wonder
Would I've went through with all the decisions and mistakes
With all the ideas that make me, me
Or would I have backed off in fear
That you'd be disappointed in me
I never truly knew you, but the tales are long
My siblings, they tell me
That I am wrong
Wrong to think that I'm a mistake
Or an accident that you've somehow made
They tell me I was so intended
It couldn't have been more great
My brother wanted me, and so did my mum
And you wanted me more than them both
I just wish I knew you dad
And I wish you could know
How much I really miss you
So I just hope
That you're doing okay up there
In that heaven you're in
And that mum is right beside you
So to life, I'll cling
So that one day I could meet you
The both of you, I mean
Because I truly miss you
And this is how I feel